Vulnerable Update
Hey everyone,
After a while away from all things blogging, I have found enough motivation to begin doing regular posts again, so I wanted to start it off with an open & honest update on how I’ve been through this pandemic stage of life we’re in.
When the pandemic began, I had a couple major causes of anxiety and overthinking weighing down on me. The first was the increasing political chaos brewing between the Republicans and Democrats, mostly over a certain at-the-time President. Overall, I do not handle things well when there is discord and no real effort made to embrace what we all have in common, with only what sets us apart (what makes us right, and everyone else wrong) left to focus on. The highly sensitive empath in me was overloaded with all the feels, and really didn’t know how to get past that. The second, and even more struggle-some situation, was the upheaval of a six-year long friendship with a really close gal friend, the Frodo to my Samwise, as it were. There was no romantic side to it, but she just got me in a way that I had never found in a friendship bond, and she was there for me through many many up/down/WTF moments. The most notable being the awful July 4th moment where I had a near fatal mental breakdown and almost went down the ugly dark path that led to suicidal ideation. To say the parting of the ways between K and I was rough on me is a major understatement, but I focused all my efforts on giving her space and seeking to be a better friend, with only an occasional super-short email check in, once every month, or thereabouts. More on that later…
Flash forward to the next phase, about six months in to living with masks, mandates, and staying six feet apart. I was beginning to get sort of acclimated to working at my office job, with only myself and my boss at the office, and all the other coworkers working from home. My mental health was taking a beating most days, with heavy pitch black clouds following me wherever I went, and I could not escape the constant waves of negative self-doubt filled thoughts. The “Am I capable of being a good, caring, authentic friend? Or am I just too toxic to ever have a good friendship?” thoughts in particular would hit me like an avalanche, and leave me on the verge of catatonia & a panic attack. I was not able to continue my exercise patterns, I tended to stress-eat from the variety of fast food joints in town, and most evenings were spent in my room, sequestered in my blanket cocoon with my red panda plushies to cuddle with.
Eventually, around Thanksgiving of 2020 in Shire-reckoning, I began forming some truly wonderful friendship bonds through Twitter, and slowly began opening up to some incredible incredible INCREDIBLE friends. I would be very remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to them here, so a very big THANK YOU and a warm virtual hug to Larysia, Christie, Lin, Phroggee (my Tigger), Petra, Jenny M, Vanessa, Gina, Lilla, Shell, Eve C, Nicole, Eliza, Jami, Jessica S, Amanda, Danika, Roxy, the Mad Queen Storm, and my dear friend Shazz (who left Twitter a while back). To say I got the most wonderful friendship support from y’all during my darkest moments is a genuine understatement, and I am so very grateful to call you my friends. I would list every one of my mutuals whom I chat with regularly, but that would a really long post, so please know if you’re reading this and you’re in that category, I APPRECIATE YOU!!
Between these friendships, a weekly dinner and nephew play time at my sister’s house, a renewed focus on proper self-care and not going negative on things outside my control, and beginning a search for a psychiatrist & therapist, things are looking brighter lately. I’m a long way from totally okay, but I can see the clouds starting to break up in the distance, letting more sunlight in, and I will take what I can get.
Until next time, thanks for reading in on my couple minutes of utter vulnerability. Sending light, love, and so much caring support to you, wherever you are.