Am I Going Crazy?

This past month or two, I have had multiple “voices” at war for my attention, so to speak, and I am still unsure what it means. Am I turning bipolar? Am I subconsciously contemplating a path to suicide? Am I just lost and can’t see the forest for all the trees about me? Life has always been a rollercoaster-y trip for me, but this is another level of craziness and confusion that I am barely beginning to sort out…No answers are readily apparent at this juncture, but I can safely say to the questions listed above, A) it’s a 50/50 chance, B) my tendency to think out a million different scenarios and not move into action on any of them is a major reason I am sure I will never act on suicidal thoughts, and C) I am definitely lost 50% of the time, so I need to end this self-reliance mode that I have gotten stuck in, and instead put my totally lost, broken, vulnerable self in God’s Hands.

As I remind myself every time I hear a nagging negative whisper, life is worth fighting for, and it’s not in God’s Plan for me to go away quite so soon. He saved me after 15 days stuck in the hospital with a collapsed lung and a horrible case of pneumonia, He saved me from being pancaked by an RV while driving to a friend’s wedding a few years ago, and He will save me from the worst enemy I know, myself, I have no doubts.  I do apologize if this post seems too dark or rife with angst, but I need to write this down and get it out of my head before it drives me crazy; internalizing so many thoughts and burying them deep in my mind takes a terrible toll on me, with nobody to share them with. *Exhales* Okay, that ends my “pouring my imaginary heart and soul out” blog entry; my next one should be more positive and uplifting I hope…